10 Best Open Relationship Books for Curious Couples
If we’re curious about opening up, the right books can save us from guesswork and heartache. We’ve curated expert-backed picks that cover consent frameworks, attachment styles, boundary-setting, jealousy tools, and repair rituals—so we can communicate clearly and build security. Think practical check-ins from The Ethical Slut, attachment insights from Polysecure, and scripts from Opening Up. We’ll show what to start with, what to skip, and how to apply it tonight—so we don’t miss a pivotal step.
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
Start with a mindset shift: The Ethical Slut reframes nonmonogamy as an intentional, values-driven practice built on consent, communication, and self-knowledge. We love how Easton and Hardy translate big ideas into everyday moves. Let’s apply consent frameworks: agree on yes/no/maybe lists, time windows, safer-sex protocols, and check-in cadence. Next, do boundary mapping—define emotional, sexual, and logistical limits, plus repair steps if something slips. Use “want/able/willing” language to negotiate plans. Schedule aftercare for dates, not just sex. Track feelings in a shared note; look for patterns, not blame. When conflicts arise, pause, reflect, then revisit agreements with curiosity.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
With Polysecure, we ground ourselves in attachment theory so we can spot patterns that help or hurt our connections. We’ll translate those insights into building secure poly bonds—think clear agreements, consistent bids for connection, and repair rituals that actually work. Then we’ll use Fern’s practical tools and exercises—like attachment mapping and co-regulation practices—to make it stick in real life.
Attachment Theory Foundations
Although attachment theory began in monogamy-focused psychology, we can use its core insights to build secure, flexible bonds in open relationships. Fern helps us map attachment patterns without shame and spot triggers before they spiral. We start by naming our primary needs: proximity, responsiveness, and reliability. Then we co-create a secure base through predictable check-ins, repair rituals, and consent-centered boundaries. We practice “both/and” thinking—multiple loves, one integrated nervous system. Try this: identify your protest behaviors, draft a soothing script, and set a time-bound reassurance plan. Track progress weekly. We’re not seeking perfection; we’re building trust that’s repeatable under stress.
Building Secure Poly Bonds
We’ve laid the groundwork with attachment basics; now we put it to work with Jessica Fern’s Polysecure to build bonds that feel steady and expansive. We focus on secure functioning: honesty, co-creation, and repair. Let’s name core needs, then align agreements so every partner’s nervous system can exhale. We practice consent mapping to clarify yes, no, and maybe across intimacy, time, and disclosure. We set boundary rituals—brief, repeatable check-ins that protect capacity and dignity. When ruptures happen, we repair fast: acknowledge impact, share needs, and choose a next step. We prioritize shared meaning, not uniform rules, so security travels with us.
Practical Tools and Exercises
Even as our bonds feel steadier, tools make security stick. Drawing from Polysecure, we’ll ground connection with clear practices we can repeat under stress. We map attachment cues, then align behavior with values, so safety isn’t a vibe—it’s a system.
1) Boundary mapping: we sketch personal limits, needs, and “green/amber/red” zones, then compare maps before dates or schedule shifts.
2) Consent rehearsals: we role-play asks, nos, and renegotiations, building reflexes for heat-of-the-moment clarity.
3) Repair scripts: we practice brief, specific apologies and needs statements.
We track feelings in shared logs, run weekly calibrations, and celebrate wins to reinforce secure habits.
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
Clarity matters when we’re steering non-monogamy, and More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert delivers a practical, values-first blueprint. We appreciate its focus on autonomy, boundaries, and kindness—grounded in lived experience and supported by community wisdom. Let’s put it to work: schedule consent rituals before dates to align expectations, revisit agreements monthly, and log emotional check-ins. Use narrative sharing to unpack jealousy—tell the story, name needs, choose actions. We’ll map relationship agreements like MVPs: minimums, valuables, protections. Practice meta-communication when tension spikes. Track capacity, not just desire. Prioritize transparency over reassurance. Small, repeatable habits build resilient connection.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
After grounding in More Than Two’s values-first frame, we widen the lens with Opening Up by Tristan Taormino—a field guide packed with real-world case studies, checklists, and scripts. We love how it translates theory into moves we can try tonight. Taormino’s templates help us map boundaries, vet risks, and practice consent frameworks that feel natural, not stiff. She normalizes negotiation, jealousy, and kink compatibility with straight-talk and expert interviews.
- Picture a shared Google Doc tracking desires, limits, aftercare.
- Imagine a kitchen-table check-in with clear yes/no/maybe lists.
- See calendar color-coding for dates, decompression, and solo time.
Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi
From the therapy room to our living room, Martha Kauppi’s Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit gives us a clinician’s precision without the clinical cold. We love how she translates complex systems thinking into clear, doable steps. We learn to set therapeutic boundaries at home: define roles, clarify expectations, and schedule check-ins. Her consent practices are gold—explicit asks, time-bound agreements, and repair plans. She models therapist neutrality, which we adapt as partner neutrality: listen, reflect, pause decisions. The intervention strategies shine—use scalable agreements, emotional first aid, and values-based goal setting. We finish with scripts, worksheets, and a blueprint for sustainable connection.
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
Let’s use The Jealousy Workbook to pinpoint our personal triggers—patterns like comparison spirals, scarcity thoughts, or boundary fuzziness. We’ll apply Labriola’s therapist-tested exercises: body scans to spot early signals, thought-mapping to reframe stories, and timed check-ins to reset. By tracking triggers and practicing these tools weekly, we’ll reduce reactivity and build steadier connection.
Understanding Jealousy Triggers
Even when we’re seasoned at nonmonogamy, jealousy can still blindside us—and Kathy Labriola’s The Jealousy Workbook gives us a clear map to find the triggers before they run the show. We treat jealousy like data: what happened, what we felt, what it meant. Using boundary mapping, we pinpoint where our comfort ends and our needs begin. With trigger forecasting, we look ahead and predict moments likely to spark insecurity, not to avoid them, but to prepare honest conversations.
1) A buzzing phone at midnight.
2) A partner’s spontaneous sleepover.
3) A skipped check-in after a hot date.
Name them. Share them. Adjust agreements thoughtfully.
Practical Coping Exercises
We’ve named our triggers; now we put tools in our hands. From The Jealousy Workbook, we practice three fast resets. First, body scan: breathe four counts in, six out, label sensations, release shoulders. Second, thought audit: write the jealous belief, list three facts, draft a balanced statement. Third, connection ritual: five-minute emotional check ins nightly—feelings, needs, one doable ask.
When jealousy spikes, we pause dates, reaffirm consent practices, and set a safe word for time-outs. We co-create a soothing kit: playlist, grounding scent, affirmations. After events, we debrief: wins, wobblies, tweaks. Repeat weekly. Track progress. Celebrate micro-bravery.
Love in Abundance by Kathy Labriola
Clarity meets compassion in Kathy Labriola’s Love in Abundance, a practical guide that helps us navigate nonmonogamy without drama. We appreciate how Labriola maps consent dynamics, jealousy, and boundaries into doable steps, backed by years of counseling. Her worksheets sharpen emotional autonomy and keep agreements crisp.
Here’s how we’d apply it today:
1) Color-code calendars to visualize time, energy, and aftercare.
2) Script boundary check-ins: “What’s changed? What’s needed? What’s next?”
3) Track jealousy triggers, then pair each with a self-soothing action.
We leave with clear scripts, conflict de-escalation tools, and repair rituals that make multiple loves safer, kinder, and deeply intentional.
Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell
While many guides explain what nonmonogamy is, Dr. Liz Powell shows us how to do it well. Building Open Relationships reads like a workshop we can apply tonight: set clear communication boundaries, establish consent practices, and design relationship agreements that flex with real life. We love the exercises—brief, direct, repeatable.
| Scene | Action | Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Kitchen debrief | Name fears | Reduce reactivity |
| Calendar sync | Schedule check-ins | Fewer surprises |
| Values map | Align goals | Shared direction |
| Aftercare chat | Review feelings | Faster repair |
Takeaways: co-create rules, renegotiate often, track capacity, and prioritize kindness alongside curiosity.
Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá
Curiosity meets controversy in Sex at Dawn, where Ryan and Jethá challenge the “standard narrative” of monogamy with evidence from anthropology, primatology, and sexual psychology. We read it to trace our evolutionary roots and spot cultural myths shaping desire. The takeaway isn’t prescriptive; it’s permission to question scripts and practice intimate honesty.
1) Picture campfires where partnership is fluid, generosity prized, and jealousy contextual.
2) Picture modern bedrooms negotiating consensual taboos with clear boundaries and care.
3) Picture calendars that prioritize curiosity over conformity.
Action steps: debrief a chapter together, map personal myths, and test small experiments—transparent check-ins, desire inventories, and mutual, ongoing consent.
Love Without Limits by Dr. Marie Thouin
Intention meets method in Love Without Limits, where Dr. Marie Thouin pairs heart-centered vision with structured tools. We get clear worksheets, reflective prompts, and scripts to set agreements without guesswork. She maps consent frameworks that scale—from first boundaries to ongoing check-ins—so we can recalibrate as intimacy evolves. We love her guidance on unpacking cultural narratives that shape jealousy, time, and “primary” status.
Action steps: schedule a values alignment date, list needs versus preferences, then draft two communication protocols for conflict and aftercare. Track emotional data weekly. Revisit agreements monthly. When friction pops up, pause, name sensations, request options, and renegotiate with curiosity.
Conclusion
As we wrap, let’s pick one book to read together this month and schedule a post-chapter check-in. We’ll note one insight, one boundary tweak, and one micro-action to try this week. If big feelings pop up, we’ll pause, regulate, and repair before revisiting the plan. These expert-backed guides aren’t rules—they’re tools. With curiosity, consent, and consistent communication, we can co-create an open relationship that’s secure, values-driven, and actually joyful. Ready to start page one?
