Swipe Fatigue: Why Online Dating Fails Us and How to Make It Work
Have you been dating guy after guy who thinks you’re great but just isn’t sure about you? Do you keep finding guys who seem to only want to hook up and don’t even notice your personality, let alone care about it? Are you in the vicious cycle of swiping on dating apps until you get discouraged and quit, only to come back again when loneliness sets in? Does dating feel like an endless loop of matching and meeting people who either lack basic social skills or ghost you entirely?
I’m a dating coach, and I hear this story from clients all the time. Many of my older clients tell me they found dating easier when they were younger. And it’s true, statistically, people are having less sex than ever before (Twenge, Sherman, & Wells, 2017). I was hosting an online speed dating event the other night. My role is to spend time on a call with the participants who don’t get matched in each round. During the call, one participant decided to take an impromptu survey. He asked how many people had been on an in-person date in the past year. Only five people, including me, raised their hands. There were 18 participants in the room—all people who actively pay for the experience and take time out of their lives to try to find dates.
So why does dating feel so much harder today than in the past? The answer largely lies in online dating.
Why People Are Dating Online In the First Place
1. Weaker social skills & higher anxiety
People are so used to spending so much of their time online now that they have weaker social skills and are more anxious during in-person interactions than in the past.
2. Unlimited options make real effort feel unnecessary
On dating apps, you have access to an unlimited number of potential partners from home.
Why approach someone in person when apps make it easier?
- No risk of public rejection
- You can see if they “like you back” before ever talking
- You can swipe endlessly until someone appealing appears
Before dating apps, people had to get up the gall to approach a real human being and hope that they don’t laugh in their face. Now they click a button and they’ll find out if the other person likes them without the other person even knowing unless it’s a match. Not to mention that even if you were to go out to a bar or something to try to meet someone, you have to hope that someone you like also happens to go. Online, you can just keep going through infinite people until you hit one you like.
How Meeting People Has Changed:
| Aspect | Pre-Online Dating | Dating Apps Era |
| Rejection | Happens face to face | Hidden, silent, invisible |
| Effort Required | High | Low |
| Options | Whoever happens to be physically around you | Virtually unlimited |
| Anxiety | Desensitized through experience | Increases through avoidance |
Dating Online: The Death of Dates
So in theory, online dating seems like a no brainer. So why aren’t we all rolling in dates?
Reason 1: Avoidance increases anxiety
A lot of our rejection anxiety doesn’t go away just because both people swiped on each other’s pictures and said they could be interested. Seeing a picture of someone and the three random prompts that half the time are jokes they found on the internet, doesn’t actually tell you if you will like the person in real life. So even when people match, meeting in real life feels uncomfortable because you are opening yourself up to in person rejection. You haven’t had to run around asking people and getting rejected a bunch of times to increase your tolerance for rejection. Which means the idea of being rejected on a real life date becomes even scarier.
Clinically, avoidance breeds anxiety. The more we avoid something, even for reasons that seem unrelated, the more intimidating it becomes. Facing it, on the other hand, reduces fear. When you ask someone out in person and show yourself that taking that risk isn’t as scary as it feels, the idea of going on an actual date becomes much less overwhelming.
People are going on fewer in-person dates partly because social anxiety is higher than ever. They still feel the same fear of rejection they would have if they asked someone out face-to-face, but without the built-in resilience that used to come from doing it in person.
Reason 2: The Pairing Problem
Mate value and how people used to pair
But it isn’t just that people are less likely and willing to go on dates. A lot of the difficulty and frustration with modern dating has to do with the matches people get and the paradigm that typically dictates who matches with who.
Historically, people have been pretty good at recognizing their mate value and finding a partner with similar mate value. Mate value, by the way, is the psychology way of saying how attractive someone is by the common metrics generally agreed upon in society.
Examples of mate value indicators
- Height (men)
- Physical attractiveness
- Success
- Socioeconomic Status
- Other socially valued traits
There are always the “chocolate covered raisin couples” (you know who the chocolate is), but overall, matching was fairly accurate.
A classic experiment
The Forehead Number Game (Ellis & Kelley, 1999)
Participants wear number cards they can’t see themselves. The goal is to pair with the highest number they can. They walk around offering handshakes.
✔️ If someone accepts, they pair
✔️ If not, they keep trying
Outcome:
People are really good at finding number mates with people who have similar numbers to them. This is supposed to simulate the way that we find people with similar mate value and traits to us in society. My point is that pre online dating, people seemed to be pretty good at figuring out their own mate value and pairing off with people who had similar mate value.
How Online Dating Disrupts Mate Value Matching
Online dating has complicated that and made people (specifically heterosexual people) significantly worse at identifying partners in their mate value.
Women’s swiping patterns: Over-selecting for the top men
Most women swipe right on a very small percentage of men men — usually those highest in:
- Height
- Attractiveness
- Status
- Perceived wealth
So not necessarily character traits that would actually make someone a good, healthy partner.
The vast majority of women are only swiping right on a very small portion of the men. Many women are swiping left on the men that are similar mate value to them. If they can match with the 10, the Australian med student who is a swimsuit model on the side and is 9’5”, why would they waste their time swiping right on a regular person? Pre online dating, the women would date someone close to them in mate value. Now, they are still the same level of attractive, but because of online dating and hookup culture, they have unlimited access to a stream of men. So by sheer numbers, they will match with some 10s.
Why those top-tier men behave poorly
For the guys who are in the small percentage that a lot of women swipe right on, they get matches all the time. Society praises them for being able to pull women to have sex with. So often times, they like to have sex with a lot of the women they match with. Even women less attractive than them if it is convenient, like if they happen to live in the same building and are willing to hang out at 11pm with no warning. They aren’t getting a bunch of matches because they are good people who make emotionally healthy and kind decisions. Some of them are. But a lot of them aren’t.
Give a bunch of guys unlimited access to a bunch of women, and a lot of them are probably going to start treating most of the women like they are disposable, because they are (to these guys).
Now, women are matching with super attractive guys, and they think “these are the guys that I could be dating. See, they like me back. They would probably want to date me, right?”
Wrong.
If those guys are willing to give up their harem of women at all, it would only be for the small percentage of the most attractive women. Hot men aren’t matching with you because they want to date you, they are matching with you because you will match with them.
In a strange turn of events, the majority of women are out there thinking that they can pull the Australian doctor. So they end up going out with a string of conventionally attractive guys who often lack emotional intelligence, and aren’t genuinely interested in dating them. These men tend to treat the girls casually, string them along, and only show interest when it’s convenient for them.
Result: There are a whole lot of women that think that guys are mean, cheaters, and total douchebags.
The Parallel Problem for Men: Most men get very few matches
Because women concentrate their swipes on a small group of men:
- Most men receive almost no matches
- The matches they do get are often with people they’re not excited about
- Many men become frustrated, lonely, or resentful
Meanwhile, only the top group of men get endless attention — and rarely treat any of it seriously.
Why Modern Dating Feels Broken
Overall, this creates two very different but equally discouraging experiences.
For many men, it means feeling frustrated and unhappy because they get few matches and when they do, they’re often not with people they genuinely want to date. They pursue women and consistently fail, until they give up and start spending their time playing video games with their friends while talking about the women they want but can’t have. This can lead to loneliness and, for some, resentment toward women who seem uninterested in them.
For many women, it means feeling frustrated and unhappy because their dating experience is filled with men who only want to hook up and don’t invest in treating them well. Since these men have an abundance of other options, they don’t worry about whether she stays or goes.
Common Outcomes
| Group | Experience |
| Top- Tier, Low Commitment Men | Hook up with Top-Tier Women and a good chunk of Most Women. Occasionally date Top-Tier Women. |
| Top-Tier, High Commitment Men | Date the Top-Tier Women |
| Top-Tier Women | Date the Top-Tier Men |
| Most Men | Few matches, rising loneliness |
| Most Women | Hook up with Top Tier, Low Commitment Men, while unsuccessfully trying to get them into committed relationships. |
| Healthy, Same Level Matches | Rare- the minority |
So why does dating seem so much harder now than in the past? Because we date online, and online dating is a system where everyone is unhappy. Except happy, healthy, hot people who couple up and haunt your Instagram feed, taunting you with their aesthetic little shots of them cutting down a Christmas tree in color coordinated outfits.
How to Fix It
A new mindset for women: Stop chasing the wrong traits
Traits that probably won’t make you happy:
- Physically Attractive
- Tall
- Rich
- Good dresser
- Charismatic
- Nonchalant
Traits that actually matter:
- Emotionally mature
- Stable
- Consistent
- Empathetic
- Kind
- Attends to your needs
- Values your emotions
- Dependable
Women often believe that dating a man who’s less conventionally attractive is “settling.” But choosing someone with good character, emotional maturity, and genuine love for you is not settling; it’s choosing what will actually make you happy. Choosing to let go of the fantasy man society tells you to want, but who won’t treat you well, fit you, or make you happy isn’t lowering your standards. It’s redefining them in a way that serves you.
When I see a woman with a 5’8” guy of average attractiveness with a stable (albeit modest) income who adores her in an emotionally secure, grounded way, who listens, validates her feelings, notices the little things she loves, supports her passions, and thinks she’s beautiful even in Mighty Patches and curlers—I don’t see someone settling. I see someone who’s won.
She has simply figured out what settling actually is: accepting poor treatment from a man who isn’t a good fit, just to meet some arbitrary societal idea of what the “best” men would be like.
Stop chasing men based on traits that society or biology tells you to value. We aren’t hunter-gatherers anymore; it makes absolutely no difference how tall he is. Trust me, you will be infinitely happier with the short guy who is a good partner than the tall guy who couldn’t care less. Pick men who are emotionally mature, trustworthy, dependable, seem to balance you well, handle conflict effectively, get along with your loved ones, and have strong morals. Or don’t and keep hoping you can “fix” that guy who would be the one if he was just completely different. But I wouldn’t hold your breath.
A new mindset for men: Stop chasing women who don’t want you
Men, stop chasing women who aren’t interested. Often, these women haven’t realized they’re looking for the wrong things. And the last thing most women want is a desperate man who will do anything for their approval.
The reason women aren’t choosing you isn’t because they don’t like “nice guys.”
It is because women don’t like men who:
- Men who abandon their identity for approval
- Men who lack self-awareness
- Men who are desperate
- Men who lack confidence or boundaries
What (healthy) women really want:
A man who is kind, self-assured, emotionally grounded, and chooses her without needing her.
So know who you are, understand your worth, and keep putting yourself out there.
Final Thoughts
Women: Choose men based on emotional maturity, not height or superficial traits.
Men: Choose women who reciprocate interest and value your character.
Dating doesn’t have to be a miserable system, but the fix requires stepping away from the illusions online dating creates and choosing people based on compatibility, not fantasy.
Reference
Ellis, B. J., & Kelley, H. H. (1999). The Pairing Game: A Classroom Demonstration of the Matching Phenomenon. Teaching of Psychology, 26(2), 118–121.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1207/s15328023top2602_8
Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989–2014. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(8), 2389-2401.
